tv The Daily Show Comedy Central February 25, 2016 11:00pm-11:32pm PST
saw you naked and you probably hate me, this is the best date i've ever had. - me too. - really? - if i'm being honest, no. oh, my god, is that pig's blood that i got on your knees? - nah, i just got super duper sweaty, and my band-aids fell off. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ♪ (cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! thank you so much, everybody! our guest tonight, really special guest, former director of the c.i.a., michael hayden, everybody! (cheers and applause) we have a really big show tonight so i want to get into the big story. the tech contrivecy on
everybody's mind, facebook. they've added five new options for the "like" button, people. (laughter) it makes sense. my friend would say, my cat died, so i click "like." but i don't actually "like" that the cat died. they say, watt kind of monster with you? i said, it's my only option! they say, go to hell! i say, i will go to hell and i will probably run into your cat there because it was a dick and now it's dead! what i'm saying is it's nice to have options, i like that, thank you, facebook. anyway, i'm glad you have a solution to our most difficult tech problem, but now let's move on to the second most difficult tech problem. >> showdown between apple and the federal government. >> a judge is ordering apple to help the f.b.i. break into a cell phone used by one to have the san bernardino shooters. the f.b.i. is asking apple to disables a feature that locks
out people and erases the user. >> trevor: david versus goliath, i guess if david had been taking steroids for a while and is now worth half a trillion. so more like goliath versus goliath. they're pretty big. everybody has heard about the story. to catch everybody up. the f.b.i. has an iphone used by one to have the san bernardino shooters but they can't get into it and they've tried everything. they've tried all the passwords like 12, 2, 3, 4 and 5, 5 5rbgs, 5, and date of birth and a alla, and what's something is apple treats f.b.i. just like every other customer. f.b.i. says, we need you to unlock the phone! apple is like, okay, you guys need to set up an appointment at
the genius bar... what! i'm the f.b.i.! yes, sir, i'm still going to need your last name, please! i'm the f.b.i.! i'm just going to put "i.." so the f.b.i. needs apple. they are using a law "all writs act" from 1789 actually signed by george washington when he came into office so this is a time when the hottest technology was wooden teeth and apple is not buying into it. >> apple says the government is asking it to great create a so-called backdoor to undermine decades of security and put everyone's phone at risk. >> if a court can ask us to write this piece of software, think about what else they could ask us to write. i mean, i don't know where this stops. >> trevor: apple has a point because it's easy for the f.b.i. to say, we're only going to use the backdoor once. it's a special occasion.
but... (laughter) apple knows that once it lets the f.b.i. use the backdoor, then they'll just start expecting it. they'll think it's normal. they'll be like why do it any other way? (laughter) but f.b.i. supporters are saying this -- >> we're talking about one phone, one terrorist, one valid search warrant. >> trevor: exactly. one time only. hard to understand apple's objections. it's just one time! >> the dodge is demanding apple's help in unlocking at least nine iphones in addition to the one used in san bernardino. >> trevor: okay, okay, so it's nine more, but it's still good because ten's a gad number. ten fingers, ten toes, ten commandments because one commandment is just nitpicky. but ten, now we know what you're going for! ten is good. we're all good with ten. >> the manhattan's d.a.'s office
says it's investigating cases involving 175 apple products with encryption similar to syed farook's phone. >> trevor: get the (bleep) out of here! (laughter) (applause) oh! you see, this is how it starts! you promise you only need one phone and then, before you know it, there's another phone, another phone and now i guess apple finally knows how it's customers feel! yeah! (applause) and apple's c.e.o. tim cook is standing firm. in fact, last night he even invited reporters into the apple headquarters so he could defend his decision -- what is that! nude photos? you said that was in the cloud, apple! what's in that room? can we go back? i trusted you with my weiner, apple! if my very tasteful nudes get out there, i swear to god -- i
swear to god... (laughter) all right. so, now, tim cook, he's saying our personal information could be in danger. >> what is at stake here is can the government compel apple to write software that we believe would make hundreds of millions of customers vulnerable around the world including the u.s.? >> honestly, i see both sides of the story, and that's why we need to think hard and long about this because knee-jerk reactions to terrorism often lead to unintended trouble. you see, the security decisions that we make right after terror attacks are like the food decisions we have been making after drinking until 3:00 a.m. and that's how you end up with scary things like the patriot act and the waffle taco. (laughter) people weren't thinking clearly. then one day everyone wakes up with no privacy rights and diarrhea. (laughter)
(applause) to be honest, though, i'm not going to lie, i just find it ridiculous that the f.b.i. can't get into an iphone. like, f.b.i., if you want to get into the phone, why don't you just give it to someone's angry girlfriend? (applause) i can just see her, they're, like, we can't get into the phone. she's, like, give me the phone. but you don't know the pass code. i don't need no pass code. give me the phone. oh, mm-hmm. look at that. what did you have find? terrorism, no, but who the hell is cindy? we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) >> this is the new iphone and it's going to tell us all the information stored on it. >> i'm sorry, i can't answer that. would you like me to search the web for your own business. >> no game, siri. tell me all your stored numbers and contacts. >> searching, phone. finally. seven opticians near you that
sell contacts. >> god damn it! tell me what you're hiding! >> sorry, i didn't understand the question. >> tell me -- what -- your -- i heard you, i just don't speak that language. >> that's it. what are you doing? no, no. cough, cough. stop, stop, choking sound. i'll talk. i'll talk to your momma while she is sitting on my face. >> you! you! (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪
♪ ♪pepsi cola wfrom your cold & flu. you give them a case of the giggles. tylenol® cold helps relieve your worst cold & flu symptoms... you can give them everything you've got. tylenol® out on the town or in for the night, at&t helps keep everyone connected. right now at at&t, buy one get one free on our most popular smartphones. no matter how you hang out, share every minute of it. buy one get one free on our most popular smartphones. and right now, get up to $650 in credits per line to help you switch to at&t.
someone's hacked all our technology... say, have you seen all the amazing technology in geico's mobile app? mobile app? look. electronic id cards, emergency roadside service, i can even submit a claim. wow... yep, geico's mobile app works like a charm. geico. expect great savings and a whole lot more.
whiter than a wes anderson movie set in the container store. but now the campaign is moving on to places like south carolina, alabama, arkansas and georgia. so the black vote has taken on huge importance in the race between hillary clinton and bernie sanders. who is doing a better job of appealing to the black voter? for answers, we go to roy wood, jr. and jordan klepper in our new segment. ♪ >> roy: welcome to -- to -- >> roy: you get him. >> jordan: you want to do it. >> roy: i apologize for talk while you were talking. question tonight, jordan, who's wooing the black vote better, hillary or bernie? we've got ourselves a showdown in black town. >> an old fashioned black op and i'm ready to op with you. >> roy: who's been down for the cause longer. when it comes to fighting for civil rights, like high school
kids buying liquor. all we care about is proof. first up, bernie. >> the major part of bernie sanders' narrative has been his fight for civil rights. >> highlighting his activism during the civil rights era including a 1963 arrest in chicago. >> archival individual grow 1963 appears to show sanders was on the front lines to have the civil rights movement -- of the civil rights movement. >> roy: bernie's been down with the brown since he had hair. >> and bernie has been supporting the black community in all kinds of ways. here he is caping james brown. he was a lookout for malcolm x and caught questlove how to dunk! >> roy: i think that's dr. j. i'm pretty sure that's a basketball player, not a doctor. but in spite of bernie's ill lust youth history hillary's pop layer with the black community is right. >> the only thing people like more than her is beyonce and cocoa butter.
>> i'm wearing some right now. what? makes me feel sexy. look, hillary also has a an interesting backstory, working for the children's defense fund in the 1970s, went undercover to reveal discrimination in alabama schools. that's right, discrimination in alabama. who knew? >> i knew. i knew, too, yeah. >> she's riding high, now, jordan, but hillary's had a few bumps along the way. >> there are also a number of democrats who strongly believe that the welfare reform bill hillary clinton supported with her husband in the 1990s and the crime bill that jacked up incarceration rates actually hurt the african-american community. >> wow, a lot of young black people went away during the clinton years. hillary's made mistakes in the '90s. >> we all did, which reminds me, happy 17th birthday, katie! daddy loves ya.
see you at christmas. maybe. (laughter) but, roy, what i don't get is if hillary was this bad, why do black people like her so much? >> that's easy, jordan, three words -- bill, saxophone, arsenio -- hall. four words. ♪ (cheers and applause) ♪ >> sweet jesus! like cocoa butter. what is it can you and cocoa butter? >> like it. what's wrong with having soft skin? >> jordan, we have to give hillary this one. bernie got arrested but bill made us fall victim to the art kelly effect. >> that's when your music's so good everyone ignores the horrible (bleep) you did to young black people.
>> exactly, yeah. let's move on to the next stage. token black friends. >> this is your dude spike lee. i'm officially endorsing my brother bernie sanders. when bernie gets in the white house, he will do the right thing! >> spike lee's support could go a long way. he could hepburny win. >> tell -- he could help bernie win. >> del that to the knicks. spike's been supporting them all their life and still the only thing they win is more time with their kids during playoffs. (audience reacts) but hillary's black friend is a pretty big deal. >> her church taught her to do all the good you can for all the people you can for as long as you can. >> damn, man. she got morgan freeman. that velvet voice. ide do anything morgan freeman told me to do... listen to me, roy... you see that bridge over there? i want you to jump off it. (laughter)
>> and don't forget morgan has ha history of helping white women reach their destination. (applause) >> indeed. that's a fact, a look it up. it comes down to who deserves the black vote. bernie is a black supporter but hilary married to bill, has morgan freeman and we didn't even mention she did the whip and the nae-nae both. >> hillary did the whip and the nae-nae, but bernie got his nae-nae whipped protesting for civil rights, not to mention he hangs with a guy named killer mike. >> yes. he not only deserves black voters, he might actually be a black voter. i think bernie's earned it. >> so one for bernie, one for hillary. we have to leave it there. i'm roy wood, jr. >> i'm jordan klepper. and we. the ending. i can say it. do you want to write it up? we apologize for talking --
you said you were going to end it. >> trevor: jordan klepper and roy wood, jr.! we'll be right back! (cheers and applau [alarm bell ringing] oh no, the car! told ya somebody should've waited in the car. it says there's a black car three minutes away! i'm not taking one of those. that one! they gave authorities the slip, in a prius. now the four most-wanted men in the world are stealing our hearts. is that us? i think that's us! public support is at a fever pitch. what started as an amateur heist is now a global phenomenon. one does have to wonder, how long can this chase go on? look, we're trending! let me see that. we're famous! toyota. let's go places. we wonerere. and here. and here. here. and here. uh, here. also in here.
back there. behind here. even next to these guys, here. in the nation's largest, independent study, rootmetrics just named verizon number one network for the fifth time in a row, here. so when the other guys claim they're the best, remember: there's only one, number one. and now we'll pay up to $650 to switch to the best network. this one right here. we broabout this new car. to get your honest opinion to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? oh wow. i mean with all this technology. that's a game changer. ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ but this year, i can go to block and pay half, what i paid my other guy. you can switch to block and pay half too. half price is a better price, when you think about it. so follow us, we're going to h&r block. [richard] switch to block and pay half. so, you're saying we can't use sorry sir it's hotel policy.l? is it really hotel policy?
problem is, we haven't figured out how to reverse it. for now, just log on to compare.com... plug in some simple info and get up to 50 free quotes. choose the lowest and hit purchase. now...if you'll excuse me, i'm late for an important function. compare.com. saving humanity from high insurance rates. >> trevor: welcome back to the show. (cheers and applause) my guest tonight is a former director of the c.i.a. and the n.s.a. his new book is called "playing to the edge." please welcome michael hayden. (cheers and applause) ♪ thank you for being here. >> thank you for the invitation. >> trevor: you wearing a wire? (laughter) >> i have no views on that subject.
(laughter) >> trevor: thank you so much for being here. the book -- >> yeah. >> trevor: -- is fascinating. let's jump straight into it. playing to the edge, it's called. what exactly does that mean? >> yeah. first of all, there are edges, there are lines, but when the american democratic process says here's the box you're supposed to be working in, n.s.a. or c.i.a., when the nation is in an extreme circumstance, i'm required ethically and professionally to go to the edge, to use all the authorities that the republic has given me. that might mean i'm going to have a very unpleasant congressional hearing, might mean there will be some unpleasant op-eds written some day but if i play back from the edge i might be protect meg or my agency but not you. >> trevor: you are mr. drones. that's essentially who you are. you are a man whoofs in charge of the c.i.a. at a time when the c.i.a. had transitioned from being the spy agency to the
spy/killing agency. now, that's such -- i'm even scared asking you this. (laughter) it's such a tough position. how do you justify a drone strike that kills innocent civilians? how do you go to bed thinking about that? >> sure. number one, no one wants to kill the innocent, and there is an open ed in the "new york times" -- op-ed in the "new york times" this past weekend, they had a great title, "drone strikes, necessary, precise and imperfect." >> trevor: precise and imperfect, isn't that -- >> no, not in the real world where you have to make tough decisions. >> trevor: now here's a question i have. >> okay. >> trevor: if we're to go, working on that logic, if someone wants to say it would
happen the opposite way, god forbid, so we're saying we're fighting a war. >> and we do say that. >> trevor: yes, fight ago war. and if someone were to do it the other way around, if, god forbid, a bomb were to be placed in a vehicle of an enemy combatant, somebody fighting in that war, and let's say a civilian got killed by that, would we still say, oh, yeah, that's war, or do we now say, no, no, that's terror when it's coming this way but it's war going that way? (applause) >> trevor, we're fighting an enemy that denies the very essence of the geneva convention which is fun fundamentally whatu described, the distinction between combatants and noncombatants. they deny that distinction for their victims and themselves -- all true believers are fighters, are jihadists. >> trevor: that's correct. now, look, war is always ugly. there is damage. innocents die. my responsibility in defending the nation is to defend the
nation to the best of my ability and to minimize with every ounce of my being harming anyone we're not truly mad at. there's an indent in the book where we talk about the united states taking a shot at a guy who worked for al quaida who was their wmd expert. we had moved heaven and earth to find out where he was. people were at risk trying to find out where he was and we found him. unfortunately, he was asleep outdoor in that part of the world, on summer night, on cots and he had a grandson very close to him, and there is a moral dilemma. there is somebody with a garage full of stuff that he wants to use to kill a lot of people back here in north america. we've got him. there is a chance we might kill his grandson. we moved heaven and earth to weaponeer the target to spare the son. we took the shot.
we killed him. unfortunately, we killed his son. now, that's a burden that not just me, that's a burden that the people we have assigned the responsibility to defend us take with them for the rest of their lives. >> trevor: where does that stop, though? his son and his son's son and his cousin and broth horse may not have been extreme now go i now have a cause, i now -- so let's say i wasn't in the cause. i go, my brother's crazy, he wants to be a terrorist. >> i understand. >> trevor: hen he gets killed or his son gets killed and i go, now my nephew died, do you know think there is a chance you're creating more of the enemy? >> oh, that's a reality, sure. (applause) we knew we had to do this as perfectly as possible even though we knew it was going to be imperfect because there are always second and third-order effects, but if you take your logic to its extreme, then we're not allowed to do anything unless it's absolutely guaranteed to be perfect, and
that would actually be a very dangerous world. >> trevor: this is a fascinating conversation. unfortunately, tv has time limits. we're going to continue this on the web. the book really fascinating. "playing to the edge" is in book stores now. more on the web. michael hayden, everybody. (cheers and applause)
getting unlimited data for your family is a struggle. other carriers either don't offer it, or it's too expensive! not t-mobile! introducing the best data plan ever! get three lines of unlimited 4g lte data for just fifty bucks each, and get a fourth line, free! yup!-we'll give you a fourth line at no extra cost. so tell those other guys you're done worrying about data. get three lines of unlimited data for fifty bucks each, and a fourth line on us. hurry, only at t-mobile. wright here, shock top. big citrus head, flavorful beer. is that real? look at that beard man like a modern day abe lincoln. you wanna take me and my refreshing friends? we ride? ya? let's party. let's do it. shotgun, called it. you got shotgun? alright. ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ give extra. get extra. man, i might just chill puppymonkeybaby... puppymonkeybaby... puppymonkeybaby... puppymonkeybaby... puppy... ...monkey... ...baby ...puppymonkeybaby... puppymonkeybaby... mountain dew kickstart. dew. juice. caffeine. >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for joining us. here it is, your moment of zen. >> behind walgreen's the target, an unusual theft.